Becoming a mom changed my life.

I’ve been debating on posting this for a while now. I have slowly been working on it throughout my pregnancy and have added to it since having my son. Part of me is scared too because I don’t like being judged by anyone, but I know that I will be happy to have it to look back on in a few months.

Becoming a mom changed my life. Not only did it change my life, but it saved it.

Before I found out I was pregnant, I was on a path of destruction. I was destroying everything I had worked towards, and ruining all my hopes/dreams.

Before I found out I was pregnant, I was an addict. Yes, it happened to me. I hurt my leg in a car crash in summer 2017 and was prescribed some strong pain killers. There isn’t anything wrong with taking them when needed, but the issue was that I never stopped. I found every reason possible to get them filled again, and if one doctor wouldn’t fill them, I’d go see a new one. On top of being addicted to pain killers, I would drink alcohol while taking them which is a dangerous mix, but I didn’t care. I was sad. I was depressed, couldn’t get it under control and nothing was helping. I knew I was disappointing every single person in my life that truly cared about me. I made my mother cry multiple times a week because she was scared I was going to die. I made my little brother live his life in fear of me walking out the door because he had no idea where I’d end up or if I’d be okay.

I was lost. I had no desire to change. I didn’t want to quit doing all of those bad things because I didn’t care if I screwed my life up. There was no one or nothing that could get through to me to help me change.

Fast forward to the new year, 2018. I went to the doctor because I had been sick for a good two weeks. I originally thought I had some type of flu, but it wasn’t going away, so I went to get checked out.

I was pregnant.

After that doctors appointment, I cried in my car for an hour. I had been taking those pills and drinking almost daily because I had no idea that I was pregnant. I was so scared that it may have been long enough to cause damage that I would never forgive myself for.

I drove to my moms house to tell her, and she gave me a choice. She told me that I could step up and go to a treatment facility, or I could do nothing and she would fight me for custody if I chose to keep the baby.

So, I went to treatment. No one other than her and my brother’s know that I spent the entire month of January in a treatment facility. I took it so seriously. I took notes, took extra classes, did more than they ever expected because I knew that I was responsible for more than just myself at that point.

When I got out and back to Texas, I had to basically restart my life. Find a new job, I moved in with my mom, and I had to start preparing and saving money for a baby. I was overwhelmed and almost slipped up multiple times that first month home. Every time I almost did I thought about the baby growing inside of me and always stopped.

I also remember finding out he was a boy. From that moment I knew that I wanted to be the best version of myself possible. I thought about all the things I had been through with boys and knew I wanted to help him grow into a true man someday. Most of all, I wanted to raise a kind one.

Since the moment I found out about him, my life changed. I’m no longer sad everyday, I no longer want to harm myself, and I no longer have the desire to touch any of the harmful things I was doing before.

I still have some rough days just as every human does, but all it takes is one look at an ultrasound or photo of him now that he’s he to make it all better.

Now that he’s here, I wake up every single day with a purpose. I wake up excited to go to the NICU and see what kind of progress he’s made and know he’s one step closer to being home with me. He has shown me what it’s like to love someone unconditionally even before I was able to hold him in my arms.

This journey of motherhood came earlier than I had ever dreamed, but I’m a believer in things happen for a reason. This little boy who’s all mine changed my life completely. He saved me in more ways than one. I’ve been sober from everything for almost 6 months after not going a single day without drinking and taking pills.

I’m thankful every single day for my son Beckham, and of course my mother who gave me the extra push. I don’t know that I’d be here today without them.


2 weeks postpartum | NICU update

I’m officially 2 weeks postpartum. I’m starting to feel so much better! I’m able to drive myself around, can get through the day with only Tylenol, and my c-section scar is healing perfectly. I’ll be honest, the c-section was so much worse than I anticipated, but I also don’t have a very high pain tolerance.

Beckham is doing SO great, breathing on his own, and holding his own temperature. The only thing we are waiting on is him to get eating down. The nurses and I have been slowly making progress on getting him to nurse/bottle feed, but he hasn’t fed normally for more than a few hours straight. He has to feed normally for 48 hours straight before we can leave the NICU, so we’ve still got some progress to make. He’s also gaining weight so well because of the feeding tube, and has grown so much in this short two weeks!

Spending almost 2 years of my life as a NICU nurse has definitely helped in this situation. It puts me at ease when I go home to sleep at night knowing how to read his charts and seeing how good he is doing.

I can’t wait to have him home, I’ve been washing all of his clothes, getting his nursery finished, and setting up his bassinet for my bedroom. I have a good feeling that we’ll be home by June, and that would be the best early birthday I could ever have.

(His feeding tube was out so we could work on feeding)

Mother’s Day

This Mother’s Day is special to me for so many reasons. One being I’m actually a mom now.. which still sounds crazy to me.

My son may be in the NICU with be not fully being able to take care of him, but I’m still a mother.

My whole world has changed in a matter of months. I went from partying every weekend, to staying in watching Netflix while eating whatever my son made me crave that day.

I remember the day I found out I was pregnant, I couldn’t stop crying. I was scared, and I was in a horrible place mentally. I was only 22, just trying to put all the broken pieces back together. I had no idea what I wanted to do or how I was going to be a mom. I thought I’d be the worst mom of all time.

It took me a few days to calm down and tell my own mom what was going on. She didn’t judge me for a second. Instead, she held me and told me that I have an entire family full of people that will support me and my child no matter what the circumstances are. She reminded me how everything happens for a reason and that God never gives us anything that we cannot handle.

The day that I had that conversation with my mom, I went home and prayed. I’ve always been religious, but at that time I had strayed while being in a bad place mentally. I remember praying that he would give me the strength to be half as good as my own mom was, I just wanted so badly to finally feel better so that I could focus on my baby.

After this, the next morning I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I got back into my normal routine, the one I did when I wasn’t sad or sleeping my life away. Each day that passed, I felt a little better and even more excited to meet my child.

Then came the day I was told “it’s a boy”. I remember thinking so many thoughts at that time. The second I knew he was a boy I hoped that I could raise him to be a good man. I hoped he would grow up to be the type of man my father and brothers are.

Fast forward a few months, I had an emergency c-section. I was so scared that he was going to be too little to survive, then he arrived and I heard the doctor say “he’s further along than we thought, he’s breathing on his own”. I was so thankful and relieved.

May 2 is a day that forever changed my world. My son, Beckham, saved my life. I’m not being dramatic, I truly do believe that he saved me. He made me realize how much I needed to change and gave me a reason for everything I do. He showed me what true love is.

I won’t get to have him with me on Mother’s Day, but I know he’s getting stronger and everyday is a day closer to the two of us being together against the world.

NICU update

The past week of my life has been insane. I became a mom.. which is still absolutely insane to me. I don’t really feel like one yet, just because Beckham is in the NICU, so I’m not the one taking care of him.

After my c-section I was released from the hospital the following Friday. I had a hard time with this because I had just went through all of this pain to not be bringing my baby home. I can’t describe what it’s like to go home every night with no baby. I know it’s for the best though. Even though I’m still recovering and in quite a bit of pain, I still spend most of my time in the NICU.

Beckham is doing amazing. He is breathing on his own, the only thing keeping him in the NICU is the feeding tube. We’re all working on getting him to breastfeed or take a bottle, but it hasn’t happened yet. He’ll be in the NICU until he’s successfully done one or the other for 48 hours straight. He’s gained quite a bit of weight in his first week, he’s up to 4 lbs 4 oz, which is enough to bring him home but he isn’t feeding correctly yet.

Hopefully we will be able to come home soon, but right now I’m happy that he’s getting the help he needs.

Birth Story

A little back story: I found out I was pregnant in January, only because I thought I had some kind of stomach flu and went to the doctor. Obviously, I got very different news. When I was asked about my last missed period, I had no idea. I was on birth control and wasn’t getting one regularly, maybe once every 6/7 months. I hadn’t had one since May of 2017, which I knew wasn’t anywhere near the time I conceived. From that point on, no doctor could fully decide where they wanted to set my due date, one even suggested November (SO, SO OFF). Along with the due date confusion came anxiousness for me because they truly had no good estimate of when he would come. I was also high risk for multiple reasons, short cervix, and I was having high blood pressure that we were all nervous about. Up until I gave birth, they were still suggesting different areas in which he could be born. I was told that for failed birth control pregnancies, this issue happens from time to time.

Fast forward to May 2, I had an appointment with my high risk doctor. We did a routine checkup like I always had when I visited her, everything was perfectly normal. Even my blood pressure was near perfect this day, which it hadn’t been in a long time. I left this appointment with her telling me she really thinks that I’m further along than my normal doctor thinks and that she was going to call her to discuss my measurements along with the babies. I had my urine collection done the day before (I had them once a month because I was high risk and multiple women in my family have had pre-eclampsia) but the results weren’t back yet, so she said she would call me as soon as she had them.

My appointment was at 8:15 a.m, and around 10:00 a.m I started swelling everywhere. I had never been this swollen before, so I started to drink a ton of water and lay down to see if it would help, but it didn’t. I called my doctor and told her what was going on and she wanted me to come in ASAP. When I got to the hospital, my blood pressure was 149/96, they immediately admitted me and started running a bunch of tests. They were also calling my high risk doctor trying to get my urine collection results as soon as they could. Once they got ahold of her and had a few more test results, I was told that I have pre-eclampsia and they were going to keep me and continue to monitor/try to keep the baby in as long as possible. By this time it was around 1:45 p.m.

I laid in the hospital bed for most of the day while they continued to monitor me and give me meds. Around 3:45, I started vomiting uncontrollably. It was happening every 2-3 minuets, around this time my vision was getting super blurry/spotty as well. When they finally got me to stop vomiting, I had to get oxygen and they added more fluids to my I.V. Just a few minuets later, my blood pressure shot up to 153/99. My doctor came in and told me that she was no longer comfortable waiting to see if they could regulate everything and that I needed a c-section.

At this point, everything became a blur. I was on the verge of passing out but I remember nurses and doctors running around getting everything prepped for my emergency c-section. I was feeling SO scared. According the last due date estimate I got, I was only around 27/28 weeks pregnant (this estimate was wrong). After all this stress and fear, my son was born at 5:18 p.m.

To my surprise, I heard a cry when he was born. I wasn’t expecting this at all. I could tell by the tone in the doctors voice that she was surprised as well. From behind the little curtain I heard her say “Looks like your high risk doctor was right, you definitely weren’t 27 weeks.” I felt a little relief when she said this, but was still nervous. They took him immediately just to be safe, so I didn’t get to hold him or see much of him. After they got me taken care of and in recovery, I felt like I waited forever for them to come update me on my son.

Finally, a doctor from the NICU came in. She told me that he weighed 3lbs 11oz, and was 15.3 inches long. They estimated him to be around 32/33 weeks. I remember feeling so angry that my doctors had my due date SO off, but also thankful that it was off for obvious reasons. While I do understand it’s much harder for them to estimate a due date without a missed period, I was still annoyed.

My son is doing great, breathing on his own, but still needed a feeding tube for the time being. I’ve gotten to do skin to skin once so far, which I was beyond thankful for. The NICU doctor told me that if everything continues to go well, we should be out of here by June at the latest.

While my experience has been nerve racking due to fear of the unknown, I’m thankful for that due date being wrong and ultimately leading to a healthier baby boy.

I’ll make a post with pictures later, I’ve only been able to see him for a few minutes at a time ❤️