I’ve been debating on posting this for a while now. I have slowly been working on it throughout my pregnancy and have added to it since having my son. Part of me is scared too because I don’t like being judged by anyone, but I know that I will be happy to have it to look back on in a few months.
Becoming a mom changed my life. Not only did it change my life, but it saved it.
Before I found out I was pregnant, I was on a path of destruction. I was destroying everything I had worked towards, and ruining all my hopes/dreams.
Before I found out I was pregnant, I was an addict. Yes, it happened to me. I hurt my leg in a car crash in summer 2017 and was prescribed some strong pain killers. There isn’t anything wrong with taking them when needed, but the issue was that I never stopped. I found every reason possible to get them filled again, and if one doctor wouldn’t fill them, I’d go see a new one. On top of being addicted to pain killers, I would drink alcohol while taking them which is a dangerous mix, but I didn’t care. I was sad. I was depressed, couldn’t get it under control and nothing was helping. I knew I was disappointing every single person in my life that truly cared about me. I made my mother cry multiple times a week because she was scared I was going to die. I made my little brother live his life in fear of me walking out the door because he had no idea where I’d end up or if I’d be okay.
I was lost. I had no desire to change. I didn’t want to quit doing all of those bad things because I didn’t care if I screwed my life up. There was no one or nothing that could get through to me to help me change.
Fast forward to the new year, 2018. I went to the doctor because I had been sick for a good two weeks. I originally thought I had some type of flu, but it wasn’t going away, so I went to get checked out.
I was pregnant.
After that doctors appointment, I cried in my car for an hour. I had been taking those pills and drinking almost daily because I had no idea that I was pregnant. I was so scared that it may have been long enough to cause damage that I would never forgive myself for.
I drove to my moms house to tell her, and she gave me a choice. She told me that I could step up and go to a treatment facility, or I could do nothing and she would fight me for custody if I chose to keep the baby.
So, I went to treatment. No one other than her and my brother’s know that I spent the entire month of January in a treatment facility. I took it so seriously. I took notes, took extra classes, did more than they ever expected because I knew that I was responsible for more than just myself at that point.
When I got out and back to Texas, I had to basically restart my life. Find a new job, I moved in with my mom, and I had to start preparing and saving money for a baby. I was overwhelmed and almost slipped up multiple times that first month home. Every time I almost did I thought about the baby growing inside of me and always stopped.
I also remember finding out he was a boy. From that moment I knew that I wanted to be the best version of myself possible. I thought about all the things I had been through with boys and knew I wanted to help him grow into a true man someday. Most of all, I wanted to raise a kind one.
Since the moment I found out about him, my life changed. I’m no longer sad everyday, I no longer want to harm myself, and I no longer have the desire to touch any of the harmful things I was doing before.
I still have some rough days just as every human does, but all it takes is one look at an ultrasound or photo of him now that he’s he to make it all better.
Now that he’s here, I wake up every single day with a purpose. I wake up excited to go to the NICU and see what kind of progress he’s made and know he’s one step closer to being home with me. He has shown me what it’s like to love someone unconditionally even before I was able to hold him in my arms.
This journey of motherhood came earlier than I had ever dreamed, but I’m a believer in things happen for a reason. This little boy who’s all mine changed my life completely. He saved me in more ways than one. I’ve been sober from everything for almost 6 months after not going a single day without drinking and taking pills.
I’m thankful every single day for my son Beckham, and of course my mother who gave me the extra push. I don’t know that I’d be here today without them.